...and give my love to your mother

I take particular pride in the fact that, no matter how rude and obnoxious I am, people still introduce me to their mum.

And I love 'em!

And they love me back and I just don't get it. Hell, there are probably mums out there right now reading this because they are worried about me, thinking I'm gonna go and chop off my remaining limbs and breathing a sigh of relief when I say it's okay because I've got travel insurance. Favorite mums, in no particular order are, Charmaine, Kenny, Sluttys mum, Xroads' mum, Slits mum, Bags' mum, Rich Urbanowicz's mum, Jay's mum, Geris mum, Trish, Martin Truongs mum, Uy's Sinead's mum from back in the day, Blues' dad (I can't remember your mum), Jacks Kennys mum from my primary school and Stuart Dixon's mum.

Of the mums I've ever met I'd marry most of them and apart from Jon's mum, who was a bitch, they're all really lovely people. By the way Jay have still got that song kickin around that I wrote about her? Mail it and I'll finish it up and post it right here. Man I could have kicked her ass!

So Ladies (and Gentleman) this one and the next piece, entitled "Inverted Racial Experience part 2" is for you.

Personals

Charmaine - Thank you so much for taking me out to Bluewater the day before I took off to buy Tiles and donuts. You are actually one of my oldest friends (in terms of time not age I hasten to add) and I thank you again for taking me in from the cold all those years ago and feeding me. I look forward to seeing you and your 2 lovely daughters (and the sprog?) for ham dipped in hot chocolate as usual on my return. I have been thinking long and hard about our book idea too and believe that it will be a bestseller. Call me when you leave work, if you know what I mean and we'll get writin.

Stuart Dixon's mum - It's been such a long time no see. I hear the boy's graduated now. You must be so proud. I will come over soon to see you all I promise. I guess David is huge now. Tell Stu I apologise again for throwing that brick at him, but he did chase me with a baseball bat so I think it's a fair cop.

Slutty's mum - Thank you for a most excellent cup of tea. I see now where your daughter gets her talent from (not to mention her good looks)

Slit's mum - cheers for letting me kip on your floor despite ruinin your son's birthday by wearin trainers then putting up with me for an extra day. I never did get round to buyin him anything either. And cheers too to Bill for the lift back to London, I really had fun and learnt a lot from our little chat about standards and procedure checking in third world countries.

Jenny - Thanks for the in-car entertainment that you 3 girls provided when I came round. Hell, there was no need for heatin in that car! Thanks a bundle too for dinner and the pint in the pub in the woods, which I must admit I wouldn't possibly have been able to afford myself at the time. It was one of the nicest chillout sessions I've had this year and next time I come round I'll bring some bread and go out and feed the ducks at the pond like you used to. I must admit to feeling strangely at home in your house too, I think you've done a great job makin it feel comfortable so quickly. Did you get the curtains you wanted?

X-roads' mum - Habloodyha! You are such a laugh I now know why Slit goes out with your daughter! Cheers for all the Coke, I had a top craic round your place, which was an unexpected surprise. I didn't want to leave and I promise I'll stay a bit longer next time. Slit was a bit keen to get away don't you think? Are you sure a boy like this is suitable for your daughter? Trade him in for me anytime!

Bag's mum - Tell him to get a real job and to stop bein such a cunt

Reflections part 1

Perhaps I am being a fool and starting to believe my own hype or maybe it's because I'm gaining massively in confidence and shedding my inferiority complex, but something very strange has happened; I now believe that one day before I die I will have a girlfriend.

Now, aside from the obvious routes of mail-order brides and Amsterdam, I have never before entertained the idea of ever even touching a girl, never deluding myself that the day would ever come when one would let me come close enough.

But the strange thing about being away from home is that, in many ways it's like one of those out-of-body experiences you see in cartoons where the body is laying in the coffin and the spirit is floating away looking back and contemplating his life thus far.

And I've definitely been contemplating mine.

With this outside view of myself, I've realised that, in truth, I'm not that bad. I've already pointed out all my good points before and, reading over them, I challenge anyone to dispute any of them. I am as good as I say I am and I'm only just now beginning to realise that.

All those things which at home I thought were faults, are actually just the quirks that make me who I am.

And who I am is a lonely single guy, who has let his perception of himself become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Attack on the Clones

I guess by now you've all seen "Attack of the Clones". Crap wasn't it? Well, step right up and face the music guys because this is your life. And I am Yoda.

To all you clones working for Major multinational corporations around the world, I'd just like to say, "Wakey wakey - it's time to actually do some work for the money that you are taking from poor people". In fact I feel a little sorry for you all, as I know how "stressful" your jobs can be you Prozac(tm)-popping motherfuckers so I've written you a little song to cheer you up. You may like to sing it out loud in the office.

The rest of this column is dedicated to y'all...

Yawncorp Employees! Look Around you what do you see?
"Rows of bored people who look just like me
rows of people sitting there wastin away
nine to fuckin five same as every day
Just like me they want to break away
mortgage by the balls so they gotta stay
they're safe now in their cell safely locked away
everybody here got bills to pay
deals to make, hands to shake, hearts to break, pills to take, can't be late..."

"But it aint Easy" I hear you say
Bullshit motherfucka, you here to stay
Too fraid to play, too scared to slay
you wanna live to fight for another day
While you waste away bitch, you better pray
that you're gonna start livin fore you pass away
Cos before you know, you'll be dead and gone
you take nothin way bitch, cept what you got on
A longer life aint a better life
if you live by the knife then you die by the knife
Sure you'll sleep when you're dead
but when you sleep you're snoring
bit like readin reports that are fuckin borin

So you better quit complainin Bitch and start pursuin
quit remainin in that shit you're doin
Time to move on, time to make a stand
Time to rip it up, time to be a Man
Time to run away to a foreign land
smoke trees, fuck girls in the sun and sand
Drop all this shit, fuckin start a band
top up your tan, cross the world in a van
fuck that, sell dope as an ice cream man
end up in jail with the Ku Klux Klan

or just file reports for the big grey man
take home your pay, honest citizen
to just waste away
forgotten

Andy - 2002

…Yoda says, Kiss my arse, you can

Rainbow over the concrete streets

I been reading through some of your past e-mails again on my brand spankin new computer today and with unlimited time on my hands I have been able to pick up on some minutiae information that escaped me the first time.

First of all, I read Thoulds first e-mail to me again and realise that, although he's got a secretary who sucks his cock on demand etc, that is just the start of it. I somehow overlooked the fact that his new flat has a double bed, which I suspect the company paid for to make sure the boss is comfortable while he begs for promotion, and rather than taking notes he uses his dictaphone. God only knows why he doesn't use a normal phone like everyone else but needless to say, his secretary is on the receiving end of it every time.

Why exactly though do I keep going on about Thouldsters secretary though, you may be thinking. Other than the fact I find it hilarious to imply that he is perhaps getting laid, I find it kinda comforting to think that he is now on the road to the comfortable life that so many Warwick students aspire to. I know that Lee is not as bad as all that though, because it was actually a job that he took out of interest and not out of the pursuit of a mundane end and I respect him for having held out for so long for the right job to come along.

But as this is my column, this also boils down to me and it's relevance to my life. In a way I guess looking at the Thoulds achievement, against the odds (he's thick and ugly) he has put himself on the road to fulfilling his ambition, and is on the way to actually achieving something that, in his mind at least, is worth achieving. And all credit to him for choosing his path and sticking to it. But what the hell am I gonna do?

Slit's doing the same thing. He's developing himself to the best of his abilities in a field I actually quite dig, Environmental Science and again against the odds (he has a small cock) he's probably gonna come away with the goods and set himself on the path to lifelong sewage treatment. Which is what he wants to do by the way.

I am not competing with anyone as I have already made clear, because that is not the Taoist way but of course I can't help but notice that perhaps in the course of having a fecking good time I will perhaps have to work out a way to get someone to give me some money soon. Like wot the Thould has done.

Of course Sarjmeister Baboon has pointed out the fact that I am not the only one worried about the future and that now that we are out of that west midlands hell we're all a little concerned at where we're headed. It just sometimes feels like I'm the only one not gettin paid for it that's all.

Still, I know I take a risk by standing up for what I believe in, but hold to the belief that the only way to happiness is through being the best Me that I can. Somehow I am sure that that's enough and when all is said and done, at least I can stand up and be counted, for richer or poorer I did what I thought was right and never buckled under the inevitable pressures that we are all put under. Anyone can work for a corporation and be nobody all their life and hell I've been there and done it myself enough times before but the compromises that have to be made to conform to the framework and stay inside the box will eventually make clones of us all. And in the land of the blind the king is the little handsome yellow guy who runs around waving his arms and sticking his hairy yellow butt in your face.

The threat of global homogenisation became starkly clear this morning for example...

Hmmm as a little humorous aside amidst all this semi-serious dialogue, I'd just like to mention that on Vietnamese TV right now there is a guy eating a dog.

...when I went to Wal-Mart, which I mentioned earlier selling George clothes. And guns. You may recall Asdas recent Rollback campaign with the little smiley face that bounced right into that silly woman's arsehole. No wonder she had to scratch. It's too late now love you can't waft it away - everyone knows it was you! Yeah well, they've got the Rollback campaign over here too and it just made me think, firstly "If I wanted to buy your crap at yesterdays prices, I'd shoplift it like I did yesterday" then "If I wanted to see this I would have stayed at home where I know how to avoid it already". But that's the thing. If more countries and their people continue to become too complacent to innovate and cultivate original ideas and this constant drive towards franchising and globalisation continues, there will be no places left in the whole world where we can escape the box we have created for ourselves. Every place will become the same, every persons experience will thus be pretty damn similar and life will become a whole lot less interestin.

Bear that in mind as you chew on the pencil that capitalism made and drink your Starbucks coffee in the office of your faceless multinational corporation in your grey suit. And remember, you only have yourselves to blame.

Only a fool looks for the pot of gold when they already have a Rainbow - Andy 2002

You're so vain; I bet you think this column's about you

This piece was originally scheduled to be called "Turning Vietnamese, you know I'm turning Vietnamese I really think so" but today I am on a bit of an ego trip, so instead of telling you anything much about what happened, I will talk exclusively about how good I am until i am blue in the face then, if I ever get over myself, I might tell you about the final stage in my remarkable metamorphosis from a pseudo-British caterpillar to a beautiful Vietnamese butterfly. I wouldn't hold my breath.

Really though I don't know how I do it. How the hell do I consistently get away with this sort of behaviour day after day and how the hell have I got any friends left. Every day I run the same gags and not only does anyone not notice but I still have them rollin in the aisles. Alright that's not entirely true but they are pretty similar anyway, the similarity between them being that they are all excrutiatingly funny but that's where the similarity ends.

I am, without a doubt, consistently the funniest person in the world, inventive, witty and spontaneous and just about the nicest bloke you'll ever meet to boot. On top of that I have skin as smooth as one of those laminated identification card thingys, am stunningly good looking, have a great body and everyone loves me. Hell I can get away with virtually anything, I can say anything I like, do anything I like and slate anyone I like and my charm and that cheeky glint in my eye will always see me through. Hell, if you didn't love me that much why the hell are you even reading this self-righteous, pompous, and quite frankly sickeningly self-promoting rubbish!?!

Damn it's good being me!

Phew glad I got that out of my system. Now I can press the inferiority complex button and get back to business.

It's been a realy good day in Orange County, by Orange county standards and for that matter even by my own foreign standards. Although I actually found out the ASCII for £ (Alt+0163 in case anyone cares) this wasn't a day spent being bored in the house all day even though the evidence coupled with 2 posts today seem to suggest it was. They also suggest I am a spud and you all know that is not the case so never take evidence on face value.

For a start I remembered that the diary I am using to write down all this journeys adventures is also the diary I used for last years adventures in Nepal and India. I've been having a right chuckle and it's given me a great backup source for funnies if I run out. Just flicking through it now I have just glimpsed the word "...testicles" which I can't remember writing down and that has got to be a good yarn!

I'm currently watching a HUGE tai chi demonstration, in a football stadium in Vietnam, where a load of Artists in white have filled the pitch and are performing to oriental music. Finally they have found another use worthy of a football stadium. Putting Oasis in one is such a waste.

Was working til 3am this morning on one of my projects and got up really early, which as you know is the way I like living - sleep deprivation is the way of the future, but I've been so snowed under with work at the moment that it's just like being in London which is my idea of a holiday. I function best on about 6 hours sleep and less gets the adrenaline pumping most the time. Hyperactivity is the most wonderful medical condition and although it hasn't ever been proven I think we can safely say that I have it. Sleeping and watching TV is like throwing your whole life away!

Sorted out a travel insurance claim this morning (CHILL EVERYONE - I've still got my arms) which was actually a lot of fun it's gotta be said. I know I'm becomin a little domesticated but it really was quite a lot of fun. No really. I'm doing nothing for you with this one am I? (Move on Andy, you're gonna lose em. Ed)

We went shopping for computers this morning. I went shoppin for teles the other day (not for me obviously) in a shop called something like "Rons VERY Big TVs" which sold a range of TVs whose sizes ranged from Medium, Large, Extra Large, and My Ego to Shona. Pass me the blender Jay! VROOOOOOM!

Jay is taking a stand against the creeping corporate infrastructure that's permeating our society and taking over our lives by standing up and being counted. Like everyone else in the dole queue, Jay COULD have had a job in the same way that everyone at Warwick COULD have gone to Oxbridge. As a result Jay has taken up the mystical art of kung fu preaching, in an attempt to realign the Yin and the Yang of the universe so that some bugger gives him some money. Please take pity on him and send all donations to his house by carrier pigeon. Mastercard and Visa accepted.

In case you're wondering what exactly the art of kung fu preaching is, it's an in-joke.

When I first got to America I could barely order Pho in Vietnamese. I hung my head in shame when they told me the price in English every time I tried to speak Vietnamese. Things have changed though in the short month I've been here and I'm now speaking farely well actually. In fact I bought a computer in Vietnamese today, a 1700Mhz beastie which will probably take on the nickname Sex-in-the-Box because it's such a sexy piece of machine in it's blue metallic case. However given that it's Ongs (my Grandads) new machine and he'll be the only one using it when I'm gone, I sincerely doubt that.

One place though, that I didn't try out my Vietnamese was at the phone shop where I went to check out the deal with pay-as-you go sims this morning. As a result, the "I love your accent" counter registered yet another hit. I love the way that Americans always say it the same way..."Oh by the way, I love your accent" in a flippant, throwaway manner which is an attempt to conceal the fact that they have been dying to say it through the course of the entire conversation but have only plucked up the courage to do so as you headed out of the shop. I'm still trying to work out the ultimate comeback but have currently settled on "Yeah so do I" which is not particularly funny and not even close to the arrogance I'm trying to achieve. Any suggestions to the usual address please.

Next we went to buy some film for my new camera so I can have some fun. We went to a big Vietnamese electric shop, a bit like the Vietnamese Comet or Dixons except for the fact that it was stacked to the ceiling with Made in Chinas. The answer to the question, "What is your major malfunction?" in here would have taken a long time to list with the amount of purely faulty goods in this place. Almost makes Dixons look like a professional operation.

Since moving into Ongs mobile home in Orange County, I have been particularly fascinated by his dysfunctional clock, a tacky Made in China analogue wall clock. My grandparents, like my mother, have a thing about buying complete crap and a lot of it is actually really amusing. Mum, for example, had this (Ba's still got it actually I think) Digital bedside clock that caught her fancy by mail order. It was a talking clock and she thought, despite it's hideous styling, that it would be useful for telling the time in the middle of the night. So she sent off £20 in the post and looked forward to it arriving. Thing is that she doesn't actually speak German and there was no way to change it's language to Vietnamese, English, French or Chinese. On further reflection actually, my aunt Mi, who is german came over and can't understand it either. A true bargain.

The clock on Ongs wall, in dark mahogany wood with one of those pendulums on it sharply contrasts with the pine walls of the rest of the home. Every hour on the hour, it plays a really horrendous digital rendition of a classic tune at random from it's data banks (sounds strangely like a night at Top Banana now that I think of it) then follows with a number of chimes reflecting the hour that's just befallen us. Thing is, that the hour is always about 3 hours out, despite the clock face actually showing the right time. So for example when 3pm comes round it will play something that vaguely resembles Beethovens 9th before chiming 6 times. From this you have to do a bit of simple maths and you're there so it's not all bad.

I have wondered since getting here where the hell exactly you go to buy such a monstrous device and as we looked through the rows of cheap chinese imitation Kodak film I found out. It was 14:05 on my watch (I always keep my watch 5 minutes fast) and one of the garish tunes I have come to know and love sounded out through the store. Then the chime followed. Once, Twice, Three Times, Four Times, Five Times, Six Times, Seven Times. I burst out laughing.

Rest of the day has been spent writing and working on things. When I got here I couldn't even order Pho in Vietnamese and today I bought a computer. I've finally made it. My name is Andrew Hoang and I am Vietnamese.

I won't live like the rest. Because I am the best.

Hot Dog on a Stick

It's been quite a while since I cracked any gags about Shona and I feel that the world is a poorer place because of it. So todays piece is going to be about fast food. Maybe.

As you all know, nothing ever happens around here, so I'm gonna delve into my personal diary for todays funnies. Never let it be said that I don't give you anything bitches.

19 October 2002

Fresno was/is a strange place judging by the tiny snippet I saw tonight. Apparently according to our tour guide, a sprightly chinese guy, bit of a bilingual comedian, Fresno is the 6th largest town in California with a population of 330,000 I think. Mainly farmers he says.

We pulled into this chinese restaurant, Fu Han I think it was called, for dinner. It seems this place was designed for big tour groups [like ours] on the way to Yosemite and the food was dire. In fact it's safe to say it's the second worst place I've eaten since Mr Chans in the Plaza in Downtown Vegas, which in turn was without a doubt the worst place I have ever eaten in the world. No shit.

All the Viet places have been great but the chinese in this country leave much to be desired.

The funniest thing [about Fresno] was probably the fact that, within spitting distance of our coach park chinese shit joint, there were [at least] 3 tattoo parlours [and an army surplus shop and not a lot else]. And a guy with a telescope sitting in a shop doorway looking at the moon. Naturally I asked to have a go and the moon looks fine tonight I'm pleased to say.

The food at the Chinese was so desperately unsatisfactory I decided to amuse myself instead at Weinersneitzels across the road.

Weinersneitzel [is] Americas Most Wanted Hot Dog [according] to the tagline and judging by the standard of hygiene on display I'm not bloody surprised - God knows how many people they've killed!

I opted for the Corn Dog, a delicacy I haven't tasted since they stopped doing them at Thamesmere Swimming Pool when I was 10. To jog your memory a corn dog is a sausage in corn on a stick deep fried to a crisp. I have memories of them being really nice.

However this one tasted uncannily like a piece of toast dippped in vegetable oil and put in the microwave. I can feel a coronary coming on.

Earlier in the day (we left at 6:30am) we went to Solvang, "The Dutch Capital of the USA" a nice [and] tacky tourist town so full of tat I decided to take the whole vat of salt. [all right this place had fake windmills and nothing but gift shops. It was like walking into Hell. On the other hand my memories of Holland, which are limited through consumption, was nothing like this at all. It had far more monkeys...]

The outstanding highlight of that stop was without a doubt...the "As Seen on TV" shop where I finally found the enthusiasm my entire trip has been lacking [I was in Orange County up til then although Vegas was good]. This place was [a] Heaven [made] for me. I mean, I marvelled, I oohed and I aahed and I engaged in conversation with the owner who was a little bemused [anyone who has ever been shopping will know what I'm talking about]

There I saw such overpriced delights as a mini-briefcase just big enough to put business cards in (I would have LOVED to see the advert for that!), a bagel cutter, which was a piece of plastic with a hole in it for putting a bagel in (knife not supplied) and my favourite the electric fly swat.

Now the electric flyswat was a bit of a miracle device. By that I mean, it's a miracle it ever made it into the market - it looks like a disaster waiting to happen!

In short, the electric flyswat takes the effort out of swatting flys. How? I hear you ask. Well, by applying an electric current through the strings of the Electric Flyswat™ you just have to lightly brush the little critter to apply enough electric shock to kill it.

This thing is about half the size of a tennis racket and looks like Tomys "My First Wimbledon" kit [complete with lethal electric effect I may add]

And you still have to chase the fly around the room.

[God only knows what happens if the bugger lands on a babys face in a pram. Poor thing will end up lookin a bit like Bags. The baby won't come off too good either]

When the Cat's away...

Dammit. Just my luck that the firemen are off the roads in the UK and I'm here. I mean with the competition out of the way I could surely have had my pick of any girl in the country. Oh well some you win some you lose.

Been a little held up gettin out of Southern California with some personal issues, but don't worry the cream should clear this mess up soon and they can sew the leg back on when I get home. Not really much to report here I'm afraid so this will be a bit of a ramble to while away the hours so that San Francisco seems a little closer. Oh and while I'm here I guess I might as well slag off my loyal readership a bit and make some crap jokes. Yeah that sounds about right.

Probably the only things of note today happened on the way to the hospital when I filled a car tank up with petrol. Yes, that was unfortunately the first event of note - I filled up a car tank with petrol for the first time. I'm no longer a car-tank-filling virgin. I had very little idea what to do and musta looked like a right fuckwit standing there with this gun thing in my hand, scratching my head and wondering where to put it. Now I know why they always pay people to do it in the movies.

You know it's a slow day when I have to report on something as crap as this don't you.

The second event of note was the van that passed by as i was performing aforementioned gun-totting, head-scratching. It wasn't an "event" as such really. It was just this van advertising "Bimbo" bread.

Yes Orange County really is THAT dull.

Seeing as my life is so terminally dull at present, I'm gonna instead turn this update on it's head and write what's happening in the lives of all the people around me that matter. It's gonna be like an extended "Personals" this issue. Cheers for mailing me all your wicked stuff, it's kept me going through the terminal boredom that is Southern California and you reaffirm my faith in you every time. If my life can't make me laugh, most of yours certainly can! Names have been changed to protect identity. Sometimes. You know who you are.

My overly-hormonal and sexually imaginative (he imagines he's gonna get laid one day but no-one is really holding their breath) cousin Santa Claus has finally sorted his planning out and I've got to say I'm proud of him. As you know Mr Clause, you are like a kid brother to me and I always want to see you doing well. The kid has proved that perhaps he could organise the proverbial shag in the proverbial brothel if such a need did arise. Which in his case it probably will.

He's travelling the wide world starting in early January which gives me a tiny window to take him for a drink/on the pull when I get back. I'm afraid that all of you other bitches will have to wait in line cos he gets first dibs, although to be fair I will be too poor to afford anything alcoholic and he will by then be so tight with funds as well that we pose no threat to the female species at all unless the firefighters decide to go on strike again.

Slutty has decided to give me grief for her new nickname which I'm afraid is now gonna have to stick just for the protestations. I mean what's wrong with Slutty? and yes of course you can call me Slits anytime and I'll still love ya baby!

Chuvs Baboon cracked me up recently with a couple of things. Firstly with the lines "i gotta run now- another lecture to go to. this is getting soooooo
intensive- have way too much work to do!" - not in itself a particularly humourous line but when you take into account that he's an actuary at a multinational yawn corporation, it cracks me up no end. Secondly he busted my guts by telling me that the postcard I sent him, addressed to "Sarjmeister Baboon, room 401 etc" actually got filed in the mailbox under B in his hall. And everyone now thinks he is a right cock! Strike one to the yellow guy. No I mean THIS yellow guy right here.

Oh yeah at this point Sarj, I wanna say thanks for the advice to refrain from throwing myself off buildings in pursuit of a good story. I'm completely gonna ignore it, but thanks all the same.

My bro Uy is a source of constant pride. He's working with mad people at the moment, which is not much different from visiting me, but he's gettin paid to do it which the rest of you fools don't.

Big H and Moola are probably seeing each other down the DSS every week or in the soup kitchen despite being among the most talented pair of individuals that read this piece. I have visions of Pinky and the Brain with Moola saying, "So Big H, what are we gonna do tomorrow?" - "Same thing as we do every day Moola. We're going to take over the world!!!!" Mwahahahahahaha!

Slit has been getting ino more trouble than me which is quite a feat, but not so much fun by the sounds of things. His spell of bad luck includes having his dick bitten off in a fight with an alligator, losing 4 fingers in a bar brawl with some mexicans in Nottingham students union bar, losing all his bodily hair in a drunken game of poker and setting fire to his two remaining testicles with a blowtorch while trying to weld it back on. He also had a bit of trouble with his car.The unsavoury image of Skivs naked body e-mailing me at 2am will probably set me on the road to eternal celibacy. Again.

The other employee of the same multinational yawncorp is now forced to work saturdays because the boss likes having a pretty face in the office. As a man who makes very little money (erm...shouldn't that be none at all? Ed) but has a helluva lot of fun doing so, I have very little sympathy (in fact I reserve my heartiest belly laugh) for those who make loads and complain that they think their job is shit. Wakey wakey! To be fair though, she's not hating her job but it's just a warning to anyone who comes running to me for sympathy in future. You've condemned yourself to the life of a battery chicken and you can kiss my arse.

A certain vet I know is considering wearing her pants on the outside and flying, a dream that I quite aspire to anyway. I might wear my pants on the ourside on the plane home. I will do if every reader of this page gives 10 pounds (where the fuck is the pound sign on these fucking american keyboards!?! Retards! Someone send me the ASCII code) to a cancer charity and sends me proof.

Quantumgirl walks through a graveyard on the way home from work every day and has a bath every week. Oh hang on that reads, "Goes to Bath every weekend". oh sorry.

Everyone knows that The Thould has his own secretary now. Apparently she wipes his arse for him as well now which is the first time he's had him bum cleaned since leaving home. He's workin as a patent lawyer which should come in handy when he realises that I copied all his answers when we were back in uni. Hey mate, I couldn't have got through it without you. Thanks.

c+ in Afrikaans boy has been learning to suck corporate cock the hard way. No I don't mean he's been learning yoga or breaking his own ribs but he actually asked for a pay rise the other day, in the vain hope that someone would recognise his talents. No doubt if he sucked long and hard enough they might have realised just how talented a boy he is, having lived with Fag Matt for 2 years. C++ just bend over and take it like a man! Hope you have got that lucrative contract bro and it didn't leave too salty a taste in your mouth.

He's in the Army now boy is in the army. Now. He's finally joined the ranks of people with guns to fulfill his lifelong ambition and again it makes me proud. I hope you come back with 2 legs or more this time cos last time it broke my heart. It's a fuckin relief that you've done it at last though bro. I knew you would and the next round is mine. That is round of drinks alright, not round as in bullet a distinction that I had better make clear before you pop a cap in my yello ass. phew that was a close one.

Will probably be outta here later this week or next week now as things have changed a little. The adventure could be put on hold because a project has come up that I want to work on while I'm here. You will all see the results one day but I can't tell anyone what it is just now. All I can say to quell some of your questions is "What are we gonna be doing over the next week rather than going to San Francisco again Brain?"...

It's a game of two halves Jimmy...

There are two possible reasons why I have forgotten virtually everything about the first six months of this year and why the second part has been so memorable.

1. I am thick and I have a crap memory
   
2. The first six months were shit because I was at Warwick University
   

I think the combination of these two factors has just made the second half feel like the best year I've had since my year off. Well, it's an almost perfect year. I'm glad I didn't spent it with Warwick.

Oh shit. My aunt has married a redneck

It has been said that the size of a mans car is inversely proportional to the size of his cock and this country has the biggest cars in the world. But then that's coming from a guy whose dream car is a mini. And I don't drive.

This weekend has been great. I hung out in LA with Chu Khangs family for most of it, taking a trip to Magic Mountain on Sunday courtesy of Di 7, with William and Vanessa.

Magic Mountain is alright. I mean it's a bit like Alton Towers with loads more rollercoasters but then it's just a theme park I guess and once you've bungee-jumped off a mountain in Nepal, theme parks are a bit easy, you know what I mean.

Still, the place had it's attractions. For a start, as soon as we pulled in (I had been asleep most of the way there), I got woken up by the sound of my cousin William and the line "Wonder what's going on out there? There's loads of cheerleaders around" - Now that's what i call a wakeup call! Naturally I jumped out of dreamydreamland - "Where?!?" - "Eurgh man. They're only 12 years old what are you, some sort of pedafile?!?!" - DOH!

Note to Bags part 1 - no mate I didn't get any pictures you slag.

Note to Bags part 2 - yes they do pronounce it pedafile over here. Almost like being back home innit bags?

This morning I found myself learning Chinese Chess from a rocket scientist in a doctors surgery as he played against a doctor. Suze you have a new sparring partner baby! I am gettin a little worried that I spend far too much time seeing the doctor when I travel, but chill bitches it's all good when I tell you the doctor was my Chu Khang. The Rocket scientist though - he's a mystery to me.

For some reason, Chu Khangs son, David gave me a nickname and I can't quite figure out why. As I said before in my group e-mail, I can't seem to shake the nickname Mad Andy, which everyone seems to come up with wherever I go ("I've got a great one - let's call you Mad Andy") Original it aint. Funny it aint. Use the force Luke.

The nickname David started using by about sunday night was...Andy X. Now as I say I am completely flummoxed as to where the inspiration for this came from. I am, however going to hazard a guess and say that my 16 year old cousin was probably referring to the great Malcolm X, a racist supremacist who believed that people of his skin colour were the superior race and should rule the world. Nothing like me at all then...

The weekend was topped off with an unexpected surprise. I met an aunt who is married to a white person. Yes, a white person. An American. As you are all aware, living in Little Saigon has somewhat warped my mind to the point that, well, I'm turning into a nazi yellow fuhrer and this was just unacceptable. I mean you would never catch me marrying anyone.

But the best/worst thing about this encounter, as much as I respect my aunt, was that this guy was a hick. I mean, he thought that Bush was the best president the country has had for a long time, he had never been abroad, he couldn't eat Vietnamese food (yes he must have been retarded), Clinton was a disgrace to the american people, Believed in the right to bear arms but couldn't give a structured argument as to why etc. In short, he was everything the British hate about Americans, the type of guy I had been meaning to meet for kicks all this time. And he had the biggest car I've ever seen. But I couldn't rip him up because he was part of the family and anyway he was mostly harmless. Sometimes even I hold my tongue.

I'm hittin the road soon Jack/Jackie. Outta the trailer park I'm heading to San Diego then up the way to San Francisco again - So good I done it twice! I just forgot to hang out in Golden Gate Park with the hippies and Drug addicts last time so I'm headed back for a second bite at the cherry.

From SFO - I'm gonna go to the home of Bruce Lee if I can find it. If anyone can surf and tell me where his Seattle home and grave are I would be most grateful as connecting to the internet here is slow and painful like shitting with piles.

Seattle is also the home of Grunge as you all know, Starbucks, Microsoft and Frasier as well I think. As usual I will be looking to find my way onto TV. I'm starting to get so desperate now to fulfil my prediction that I'd be on TV that I'm even starting to consider gay porn and Vietnamese commercials. Yes i have really run out of options.

Seattle to Vancouver should provide answers to the question everyone wants to know the answer to - Are the gun controls so strict in Canada that Bryan Adams has found somewhere to live? Yes all this and more will be revealed in the next thrilling episode (well probably the one after next or later. Or not at all cos I'll probably forget) of Mischief USA.

Adios bitches!

Personals

Matt - Dammit! I'm gonna miss the Donkey Show in Tijuana. I may spend a coupla days in San Diego before I set off because I want my stomach to turn like a dishwasher.

Peter - You are one sick puppy lil bro. Dave and Michael have told me. I will go nowhere near the downstairs toilet.

Suze - Ha! Slavery! Ha!

Slit - We must meet up sometime ok? I'll call you. You want me to bring a gun back so you can shoot some of those motherfuckers?

Tal - Your mailbox is full bro - I need to send you something. Your second one doesn't work.

Sarjmeister Baboon - Ha! Chuv will tell you I laughed til my my socks set on fire when I heard where they filed your postcard! I can even cause mischief 8000 miles away! Thanks and don't work too hard. Have you met Suzie yet? She's in on saturdays you know.

Suze - Ha! Saturdays! Ha!

Cez - Hope you washed your hands before reading that paper. And yes the six-pack is coming along nicely thanks. I'll let you use YOUR imagination next time. Just don't forget to wash the remote control.